Random Thoughts: Negativity is like Fart

I have never wanted to leave this place so bad as now. Gah! I hate who I am becoming. I am always grumpy and negative and always see the bad instead of the good. I know the people around me are starting to get fed up and I am really sorry. You don't deserve any of my negativity. I will ty to keep it to a min.

When you keep things deep down for too long, no matter how hard you try to keep it in, it will come out through other ways and means (my friend says: "oh, like fart? like you hold it in so long so no one gets to smell the bad but sometimes when it has to come out it comes out and it smells way worse because you held it in!" and I laughed so hard but she does make sense, right?!).  I've been holding my frustrations for so long and no matter how much I try to understand the situation, I think I am nearing my breaking point.

This lashing out at other people, this wanting to be alone, this sensitivity, I am so not liking who I am becoming and the worst part is I have no idea I can't seem to decide what to do because it feels like the only choice is to pack up and leave everything behind.

Is it possible to be grateful and yet frustrated at the same time? Is it? Because I feel that way, you know. I am grateful for what we have right now, the basic necessities, family and all. But I am too frustrated and fed up to appreciate anything else.

Almost 9 years and I really don't think I can take it anymore. It may not be as bad as I think it is, maybe it's just my perception of things, but I just feel like I am dry and have no more to give as much as I still want to. The saying to give until it hurts is just ..well, I am way past that point.

I guess I am scared that one day, I will just explode like a grenade and hurt those I love. :( And like my friend says, it's all the more bad because you kept it in. What do I do?