July 5, 2010

I Keep A Journal

Do you keep a journal? I know people who do and I know some who don't. I even hear some people saying they don't like keeping journals, especially pouring their thoughts in a blog because they don't like announcing how they feel and they don't like people reading their thoughts. Some say they don't like dwelling in the past and would like to move on.

I keep a journal, both online and offline. Although my online journal has sporadic entries, my offline journal has everything on it. My journal keeps me sane. It helps me express thoughts and feelings I would never ever tell anyone. Most of all, it helps remind me of lessons I learned in the past. Sometimes, even mistakes I keep doing again and again, stubborn person that I am. :)

It's a habit of mine, to read some of my entries a few months or so. I came by this entry and it reminded me of what is happening in my life again. It's as if, the entry was telling me, "here you go again."

Here's what I wrote about a year ago:

This Ends Now.

I am having a hard time letting go of you. When I did my best to avoid getting too attached to you, I ended up clinging to you for dear life. And while I did everything in my power to give you what you wanted, you threw everything in the wind. You did your best to show me you didn't really care - that I am only useful to you when you need something.
But this ends right here, right now. TODAY. No matter how hard, no matter how much I cry. Today, I choose to let go of you, to unclasp my hands one finger at a time. It's for the best. It's for MY best. You don't deserve my friendship and you don't deserve my time.
So goodbye. This ends now.

I laughed and introspected when I read this entry again. I laughed because it was so "right on!" I introspected because even after I wrote that, I let the incident happen again and again in the span of a year. Call me stupid, I'll accept that because I know I am. I just hate being this trusting.

As much as I want to say that this is the last time. I won't say it anymore. I'll just find the strength to do it. And maybe a year after, I'll look back to this entry and tell myself, I'm glad I found the strength to end this painful and tiring cycle.

I keep a journal. I'm glad I do.

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